BEAR
by
ERIC M. LOUGH
On this day, November 29, 2005, life, as I knew it, ended for me. I no longer care if I live or die, as I am dead inside now, anyway. It makes no difference.
On November 19, 2005, my dog, my best friend, the reason I could be happy with what little life I had, fell thru the ice on a beaver pond. She went thru the ice at a place that could not be seen from the dirt fill across a small creek with a culvert running through it, behind some small willows, and the culvert made her cries for help sound as if she was about one-half up the side of a small mountain.
Even as a local rancher and I were listening to her calls for help, and we both thought she was up on the hill, we were standing within 30 feet of her. As I started to climb the hill after shedding everything but water, my handgun and clips, she cried out in fear and panic, and the sound came from behind me, below the fill with the culvert thru it.
I went down the bank, and finally found her with her front feet on the ice, and her head out of the water. Because of the depth where she was, I could not slide in and lift her to safety, the water was over 8 feet deep. I went into the pond thru the ice in a shallow part; it came up to my armpits. I had driven up the hill three times trying to locate her up there, she heard me drive off, but she still hung on.
I used my handgun for a hammer to break the ice in front of me so I could get close enough to get her and carry her back to the bank where I had entered the pond. I took some nitro tabs, picked her up and carried her to the base of the hill where the SUV was parked. She weighed about 55 pounds dry, and her inner coat had about 10 pounds of water in it, but it had acted like a wet suit and kept her alive.
I ate some more nitro and picked her up, and tried to climb the 30 foot hill, but I only made it about half way, laying down on my back in the snow, with her on top of me so what little warmth I was giving off might help her. I thought I might die from a heart attack, from the ice cold water, the icy snow covered steep hill, but she was going to get to the top and the sunshine even if it did kill me.
The next try we got to the car and I got her inside, the car was warm because the sun had been shining in. I started it and put the heat on high and got out of my wet stuff, leaving my wet underwear on. I took my extra dry coat, a clean and dry sweat shirt, and a light jacket to towel her down as much as I could to get her as dry and warm as I could.
We got home, and we both were in a warm bath for a long time, when it would cool down I would put more hot water in the tub. Then I toweled her off using 5 towels to get her almost dry. She then took a long nap, had dinner, went outside, came back in and slept next to me on the bed.
That was Saturday; Sunday I left her home where it would be warm and quiet, and went back to that place to get the things I had left the day before; my rifle, camera, and other gear; and take some pictures. I thought she was going to be alright. Monday morning she was having small seizures and I took her to the vet, he kept her overnight, and sent her home with a syringe of valium, and some anti-biotics. I had to give her the valium injection the next morning, her seizures were worse.
That was Wednesday morning, and I took her back in. The vet did not know what was wrong, but gave me three more syringes of Valium and some barbiturates for her. He was closed Thanksgiving.Friday she was worse, and the doc was not in, so I left a note on his door.
When he called I told him she was much worse, he just said to come in and he would give me more drugs to treat the symptoms. Monday morning I took her in, she looked really sad and sick; there was no doubt in my mind that she was dying and she needed something done right away. He said he would take care of her, and for me to go home and get some rest. I tried, but I didn’t get much sleep since I was worried.
The phone range early Tuesday morning, it was the vet; Bear had died during the night. She died alone, in a cold stainless steel cage, in a place she hated and was afraid of unless I was with her. I cannot put the feelings into words, and the tears are in the way. I left her in the water because I didn’t see here go in the pond, too busy taking pictures. I left her there for 30 minutes.
Then I left her home, alone, the next day to go up to the same place to get the things I had left the day before, and try for an elk and take some pictures of where I had killed her; not knowing then I had. Then, nine days later, I left her alone in a place she hated and feared; left her there to die alone. I should have been there for her all of those days she was alone.
She haD been with me practically every single moment of her life, and we had a mutual respect for each other, I did not own her. She was a furry bundle of unconditional love, always. God only made one dog like her.
I am angry with the Great Spirit, Bear never hurt anyone, she was always sweet and loveable, and she gave me a reason to carry on when I just wanted to die.
I love her with all my heart and she will always be with me, for I keep her in my heart. Oh God do I miss her.
On December 21, 2005, the vet called me to tell me her ashes we back from cremation and I could pick them up anytime. How do I live with ashes in a jar that once was my Bear? I only thought November 29 was the day my life ended as it was, it ends tonight.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: As you have noticed, I did not have the courage to pull the trigger that night, or any other since then. In 2008 I bought another Wolf Hybrid that I love as much as Bear, and she too loves me unconditionally, even when I am wrong, which is most of the time.
